Fathering: Seeing Beauty in Imperfections

Fathers, what we should be doing is not to expect ourselves to be the best father but rather, to exhibit humility. We do this by continuously improving ourselves, unlearning and relearning. There are plenty of learning opportunities in the society. How we communicate with our children, knowing our personality and profiles of our children help us engage and communicate with our children appropriately; learning to manage our finances, as well as various other skills and competencies – these opportunities are abundant. Don’t seek to perfect yourself, but to continuously learn; a lifelong journey indeed. Life is a journey, and in this journey, one finds one’s self. This journey is not as much about the arrival as it is about discoveries.

Life is all about tests and tribulations. Allah the Creator emphasised this in the Quran:

“Glorious is the One in whose hand is the Kingdom (of the whole universe), and He is Powerful over every thing. The One who created death and life, so that He may test you as to which of you is better (finer) in his deeds. And He is the All-Mighty, the Most Forgiving.” (Surah al-Mulk (67): 1-2)

This is such an instructive assertion by the Creator Himself. He seeks not the quantity of your deeds, nor perfection. He seeks the quality of your deeds – the finest or the best (ahsan) you can give. And for all your imperfections, or inability to meet the ‘best’, He is the Most Forgiving.

Each of us, without exception, is tested. Whether you are rich or poor, educated or uneducated, ustaz or non-ustaz, abled or disabled; all and everyone are tested in various ways and forms He Himself knows best. And He does not burden one beyond one’s power and capability.

Because each of us is tested and imperfect, don’t compare with others. We look and we learn, but we don’t compare. Similarly, we don’t compare our children with others. When we do that, our children will also compare us, fathers, with the others and we will fall into the anxieties of unmet expectations.

Again, I wish to emphasise on humility. Strong indeed is one who is willing to acknowledge one’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and the strength to seek help. A hero is not one who needs no support, nor seeks no help. A hero is one who recognises his vulnerability and humbly seeks help from others. Don’t think that you can fix all the problems yourself, but know that you are not facing life’s tests and tribulations alone.

Reach out to other fellow fathers. Seek help from relevant people and organisations like Centre for Fathering and Bapa Sepanjang Hayat, which have classes for fathers with varying experiences at www.bshsekolahbapa.com. Seek to continue to learn, unlearn and relearn. Don’t shy away from challenges. You will discover your potentials, your true abilities, and the beauty of fathering. The beauty is in your imperfections.