Families have evolved. There was a time when the life of a family revolved around a plot of land, a home, and a farm for work. Even the final resting place of the family was on the same property. Subsequently, society experienced industrialisation and a man’s identity was attached to an occupation instead of a home. Women also fought for their rights to be educated and started building established careers outside of the home¹. This led to a society that began working away from their families.

Fast forward to today – parents are still considered the primary caregivers of their children, but their involvement has diminished, given the way society has transformed. With both parents working, families are often under stress due to competing demands for their time. Divorce rates have consequently increased. Studies by the Singapore Department of Statistics show that seven percent of marriage cohorts of 2005 and 2007 dissolve their marriage before their fifth anniversary². This figure is close to the eight percent for the United Kingdom, and noticeably higher than the older marriage cohorts in Singapore.

Time issues aside, the isolation of the parent due to work commitments have also contributed to new family trends. In the past, most families lived close to their relatives. This meant better support from the community to start and raise a family. Today’s young families are largely nucleated with dual-earning parents. Separated from their extended families and both being busy at work created a new challenge for young families raising children. As more mothers focus on their careers, the need for active father involvement becomes more pronounced.

Couples find creative solutions for these challenges, including outsourcing some of the household chores to others. Unfortunately, child-raising cannot be left solely in the hands of domestic helpers or caregivers without consequences of inadequate bonding with their own children. Parents still need to be involved in providing for and nurturing their own kids.

One way to relieve the tensions of urban family life is through shared parenting. Having both fathers and mothers share the upbringing of their children is the foundation for healthy, functioning families. When fathers get involved in child-raising, some of the pressures are eased for time-starved mothers. Times have changed. In my father’s generation, if a dad brings the bacon home, he has done his honoured duty. In this day of dual-income families, such a practice is insufficient.

So why is involved fatherhood important? There is now a large body of literature and research that point specifically to the importance of involved fathering in children’s lives. Studies in the US have highlighted the ill effects of fatherlessness on children³, which include:

1. Children from fatherless homes are four times more likely to be living in poverty.
2. Fatherless youths have significantly higher chances of being incarcerated.
3. Girls who are fatherless are more likely to experience teenage pregnancy and ill-prepared marriages
4. Students with involved fathers had a higher likelihood of scoring distinctions in school.

In Singapore, research on parental styles and their effects on children show that teenage delinquents tend to come from homes with neglectful and authoritarian fathers, absent father involvement, poor father-adolescent interactions, and single or step parent families⁴. On the other hand, studies from the US show that children from homes with involved fathers are more likely to possess higher self-esteem, empathy, cognitive competence, and be less susceptible to peer pressure. In Singapore, teenagers that succeed typically have warmer and more involved fathers,with more interactions with their parents⁵.

These findings prove that children need their fathers more than ever. But while society has prepared mothers for the workforce through education, it has not prepared fathers to turn their hearts toward their children. Before the existence of Centre for Fathering, there were no courses on fathering in Singapore. Fortunately, many involved fathers do so instinctively, especially when they have good role models in their lives – but not all of us do.

For those of us who are not blessed with a good role model or father-figure, the best place to begin is to realise the impact our own father had on us. Some of our fathering habits are the result of a good legacy our dads left for us, while other habits are formed as a result of overcoming what we do not like about our dad’s ways. Either way, our father has impacted us tremendously, even without our realisation. Many of us will be amazed at how we are either very similar or different from our dads. Our own fathering habits will also impact our children greatly. This is the power of fathering, and its valuable expertise passed down from generation to generation.

This realisation will help us appreciate the depth of our children’s need for us to be involved fathers. While our desire for a better relationship with our dads may not be fulfilled, our children’s desire for their fathers can be met with our commitment to connect with them.How our children perceive our involvement when they are grown up can be changed now.

Before we blame our dads for everything that is wrong in our parenting, we also need to realise that our fathers are also someone else’s son. He too is a product of his own circumstances. It will help us to reconcile with our own dads if we understand that our fathers have done their best with what they knew about fathering. We must discover our own fathering ways that will be best for our children.

I find it helpful to think about fathering as our greatest contribution on earth. While most of our endeavours in life don’t last, fathering is one that impacts not only our children’s generation, but their children’s as well. In raising a son, our love for him will influence how they become fathers in future, and in raising daughters, our love for her will also influence them as mothers in future. Consequently, we are not just raising sons or daughters, we are raising future fathers and mothers who will shape the next generation. ⬛

¹ http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/let-us-not-take-gender-equality-for-granted
² http://www.singstat.gov.sg/docs/default-source/default-document-library/publications/publications_and_papers/marriages_and_divorces/ssnsep15-pg5-9.pdf
³ https://www.fatherhood.org/fatherhood-data-statistics
⁴ The Relationship between Different Parenting Techniques and The Social Adjustment of Adolescents, Vivien Huan & Esther Tan, Nanyang Technological University, Singapore
⁵ Parenting Behaviours and Adolescents’ Psychosocial Adjustment, Dr Ong Ai Choo, National Institute of Education

Edwin Choy is the co-founder and director for Centre for Fathering in Singapore. He is also a trained Solution Focused Therapist & Coach and has been conducting workshops in parenting and fathering for the last 16 years.