In recent times, newspaper stories of celebrities and high-ranking officials having extramarital affairs are becoming commonplace. However, culturally, extramarital affairs, adultery or infidelity, is still frowned upon by society and considered immoral. Because of this, many of those involved are reluctant to admit their wandering ways. Extramarital affairs can have serious emotional effects on spouses, children and other family members.

From my experience with working with such couples, many regard infidelity as the worst “crime” a partner could commit in a relationship. Many, if not all, couples that have experienced infidelity will end up divorcing as it marks a violation of sacred trust between them. An example I would like to highlight would be a case of a couple who had been married for more than 30 years. The husband was caught chatting with a lady from Batam whom he had met while holidaying with friends. Despite the husband’s insistence that it was only a one-off dalliance, the wife could not forgive or forget what he had done. She fell into depression and was unable to accept her husband’s apology nor was she able to continue with the marriage. After three counselling sessions, she called it quits and decided to proceed with divorce.

Within the Malay/Muslim community, infidelity is one of the top three reasons cited as grounds for divorce according to the Department of Statistics (2017). The rate of divorce due to infidelity had risen to 23.5% in 2017 as compared to 10 years ago which was 18.8%.

AFFAIRS COME IN DIFFERENT SHADES
There are different types of affairs, however, the more significant ones include the physical/sexual affair and the emotional affair. Sexual affairs are the most common, where the wandering partner is only in it for the sex and a hushed affair makes them feel sexually liberated. The secrecy makes the relationship more adventurous and thrilling.

Emotional affairs on the other hand, though not as obvious, can be equally damaging. It is sometimes called the ‘affair of the heart’. While the two do not engage in a physical relationship, they are deeply entwined in each other’s minds. They are constantly flirting, exchanging messages and thinking about each other most of the time. This shared intimacy affects and drains the energy from their primary relationship and can actually be more devastating.

Generally, from statistics, it is observed that more men commit infidelity. However, we now seem to see more reports of women being caught cheating on their spouse. In an article in The Straits Times on 15 May 2016, it was reported that a noticeable number of marriages in Singapore break down because of an unfaithful wife.

From my personal observation in counselling married couples, it is quite common that when women cheat, they are, to some extent, already thinking of divorce.

This is what we term an ‘exit affair’, where a partner uses the affair as a reason to leave the marriage. Generally, for these women, they are unhappy and dissatisfied with their marriage, and when someone comes along and is able to offer them the emotional intimacy they often find lacking in their marriage, they are likely to enter into an affair. These women are usually looking for a long-term stable relationship where they are emotionally fulfilled, which hey may not have in their marriage.

CAUSES OF AFFAIRS: NOT WHAT YOU THINK
Although there are many cases where infidelity takes place when one partner is unhappy or dissatisfied with certain aspects of the marriage, it can also occur in a stable relationship. This is what we call the ‘existential affair’, where couples are happy in the marriage but they still cheat on their partner. These often involve those who want to keep the third party on the side for a variety of reasons. Many of them feel that having another relationship outside their marriage is not a big deal and is just a matter of fun or socialising.

They believe that they can simply leave the illicit relationship at any time, or when their partner finds out. There is often no commitment or strong bond with the other party. A case that I had seen recently involved a successful couple with two lovely children. The wife found out that her husband had a “close” female colleague at the workplace and confronted him. The husband maintained that she was just a good friend. During one of the counselling sessions, the husband indicated that there was nothing untoward in the relationship because he still wanted to be with his wife and his children. He maintained that he could let go of the other woman anytime he wanted, however, he did not want to do so yet in case his wife decides to divorce him. If that happened, he would then take his relationship with the other woman to the next level. The marriage ended in divorce.

A more common reason for affairs is related to a breakdown in the relationship. The relationship becomes vulnerable when a partner finds his/her needs, emotional or sexual, are not being met or ignored by their spouse. This could be due to the lack of time spent with each other  leading to the couple feeling disconnected. As a couple matures, life presents bigger challenges in their lives. Children, illness death and financial loss have a tendency to turn a couple away from each other. They often find comfort in the arms of someone new, perhaps someone not connected to their tough circumstances.

TECHNOLOGY: HACKING INTO PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS FOR THE WORSE
Yet another contributor to the increasing number of extramarital affairs is the effect of modern technology. Modern lifestyles and current technology in particular the internet, instant messaging, mobile phone cameras, social networking and pornographic websites are becoming new platforms for couples to conduct their illicit affairs. These social networks encourage users to connect with new people and reconnect with their old flames.

Many extramarital affairs were uncovered through WhatsApp, WeChat, Snapchat and Facebook.

I have encountered a number of cases where affairs began after old flames reconnect on social media, specifically Facebook. Many of these couples are older and have been married for more than two decades. Through such connections, these individuals tend to reminisce about the good old days when they were younger and start to fantasise with one another about what their lives could have been like if they had stayed together, which can quickly snowball into a deeper relationship.

There was another interesting case involving a married grandmother of two and her old flame whom she had reconnected with over a reunion dinner organised by their former classmates. Fatima (not her real name) reconnected with her old school friends through Facebook and was excited to learn that her old boyfriend, Razak (not his real name), would also be attending. As busy professionals, Fatima and her husband hardly had time to be with each other, though she admitted that her husband is a devoted husband. Her husband consented for her to attend the reunion dinner alone as he was busy with work and other commitments.

Following the dinner, Fatima and Razak started with reminiscing about their teenage love and ended with them falling in love with each other all over again. The husband only found out after reading his wife’s suggestive messages to Razak.

Fatima admitted to the relationship and asked for a divorce. Extramarital affairs can also begin from websites such as Ashley Madison, which is an easily accessed website for married a seeking extramarital affairs. Such websites permit individuals to meet online, browse profile photos, specify desired characteristics and check out potential partners in advance before identifying discreet locations for a meeting.

Finally, the existence of cybersex also creates havoc in relationships. While some might see it as a casual or fantasy relationship, their spouse might see it as a form of infidelity as sex, even if it isn’t real, is involved.The advent of new technology may not be main contributing factor in the rise of extramarital affairs but it becomes an easy means for people to commit infidelity.

Extramarital affairs do not happen out of the blue. In fact, there are many reasons that lead couples to cheat on each other. Lack of sexual intimacy between couples can lead to unhappiness in many areas. Additionally, without an emotional connection and validation between couples, partners may feel that they are not appreciated for the commitment and sacrifice that they have made in the marriage. Therefore, with the lack of physical and emotional engagement, many couples begin to fall out of love with their spouses and fall for others instead.

Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of reasons and needs and the eventual result could be the ending of a marital relationship. ⬛

Zaleha Ahmad is currently the Centre Director of the Marriage Hub of AMP. She has more than 20 years’ experience working with couples and families. She holds a Master of Science in Professional Counselling and serves as a member of the Committee of Fostering under the Ministry of Social and Family Development and Publication Panel Committee of the Info-communications Media Development Authority (IMDA).