Dealing with sexuality issues with children is challenging for some parents because it involves sensitive matters. The approach to sexuality might also differ from one age to another. It is a continuous process starting from childhood until they become young adults.
This article will share some approaches that parents can consider using when engaging with their children on sexuality issues, including perspectives from the Islamic point of view.
CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHILDREN
Before discussing how parents can handle the subject of sexuality with their children, they should first understand that the most critical factor is to improve the bond between them and their children. Many parents become anxious or panicky when their children exhibit undesirable behaviour or engage in harmful activities. However, parents should be more worried about the lack of a close relationship with their children as it is a crucial factor in raising and educating children.
Many parents experience a growing distance in their relationship when the child grows up. This happens even though they were close to their children when they were small. Ideally, parents should become closer to their children when they become teenagers, and especially as adults. Educating and reprimanding the children would be increasingly difficult when there is no close relationship. Without this relationship, friends become the only source for children to get guidance or an explanation for all their problems.
On the other hand, with a close relationship, parents can have access to their children and convey guidance whenever needed more easily. Children know they can seek advice or refer to their parents when necessary. They also know that their parents are always there for them whenever they need them. Children will feel safe and secure with their parents because of the long-standing close relationship. Even though children have friends around, they know that their parents are the best place for them to get guidance without worrying about ridicule or prejudice.
Having a close relationship and the exhortation to show love is not new in Islam. The Quran teaches that love comes first before conveying a message of goodness. Just look at Luqman’s message to his son in the following verse:
“And, lo, Luqman spoke thus unto his son,
admonishing him: “O my dear son! Do not
ascribe divine powers to aught beside God:
for, behold, such [a false] ascribing of
divinity is indeed an awesome wrong!” [1]
– The Holy Quran, Surah Luqman,
verse 13
Feelings of love and affection not only need to be expressed to the children but also shown through actions. Similar
actions were shown by the Prophet (pbuh) in the hadith narrated by ‘Aishah r.a.:
“I have not seen anyone closer in conduct,
way, and manners to that of the Messenger
of Allah in regard to standing and sitting
than Fatimah, the daughter of the Messenger
of Allah s.w.t.” She said, “Whenever she
would enter upon the Prophet s.a.w. he
would stand to her and kiss her, and he
would sit her in his sitting place.” [2]
Through this verse, the Quran teaches parents to call on their children with gentleness before advising them never to associate God with others. The same can be said of how the Prophet interacted with much gentleness, care and love towards his daughter, Fatimah.
CORE KNOWLEDGE IN CHILDREN’S EDUCATION
Parenting knowledge also plays an essential role in educating children. Parents need to acquire appropriate parenting skills in this very challenging modern era. Among the crucial things parents can consider in strengthening their relationship with their children is the ability to recognise their children’s behavioural personalities.
Each individual has a different love language and communication style. Children who are treated according to their love language will feel loved and appreciated. On the other hand, if they are not filled with love, they will feel neglected and unloved, resulting in anger and frustration. It is recommended that parents interact effectively by celebrating the love language of the person they want to approach.[3]
Parents must also note their children’s developments and all matters related to their child’s interests. This allows them to provide accurate and fair information for any question raised.
Given the different life stages and generation gaps between children and parents, parents are often at a loss to find topics of conversation that could be discussed with children. As a parent, it is advantageous if we are aware of our child’s interests, such as music, sports, gaming, etc. It would help the parents better understand their children’s world and foster a closer relationship through these common topics of interest. Our Prophet (pbuh) exemplified this when he appealed to Abu Umayr’s interest by asking him about his pet bird, “O Abu ’Umayr! What did the Nughayr (a kind of bird) do?” [4].
APPROACHING SEXUALITY ISSUES
A good relationship with their children would help parents interact with them more easily, engage in discussions on
sensitive issues, and convey the noble values that should be instilled in children. In this regard, there are several issues
related to sexuality that could be discussed between parents and children:
Understanding their body and respecting personal privacy
This is the very first stage that children need to know, especially after reaching the age of mumaiyiz, which refers to a certain age where children can differentiate between good and evil, right and wrong. In addition to what has been learned in school, children must be reminded of the importance of respecting their bodies and protecting their boundaries. They must be informed that no one can touch their private parts, not even their teachers or parents. In cases of emergency or medical purposes, for example, consent must be obtained from them or their guardians. At the same time, they also need to respect the privacy and boundaries of others.
Addressing gender identity
In the era of AI and Netflix, as well as the influence of social media, children will be prone to consume materials with elements of LGBTQ+ influences either on their own or through discussions with their friends. Parents must emphasise to their children that although LGBTQ+ elements are forbidden by religion, homophobic attitudes and ostracising these parties are also something Islam forbids. That said, parents need to be knowledgeable and engage in discussing sensitive issues related to gender and identity.
Finally, parents must monitor and take note of the development of their children’s sexual orientation. If they suspect same-sex attraction tendencies, for example, parents are advised to refer to experts with skills in Islamic counselling.
Handling the pre-baligh (puberty) period
In preparing children reaching puberty, parents need to make some preliminary preparations as early as the age of seven to educate them about the responsibilities of a Muslim, such as performing obligatory prayers, fasting and being firm with them when they reach the age of ten and they refuse to pray. The same goes for separating the beds between boys and girls at ten years old. It coincides with the recommendation of the Prophet (pbuh).:
“Teach your children to pray when they are
seven years old and hit them[5] if they do not
do so when they are ten years old, and
separate them in their beds”. [6]
Although it is not mandatory at this stage, children must also be exposed to modesty in dressing. They may not be able to cover their awrah perfectly at this time, but at least they need to be taught an attitude of modesty in themselves, including in dressing. This is in accordance with the sayings of the Prophet (pbuh):
“If you do not feel ashamed, do whatever
you like.” [7]
Early exposure at this stage will help children transition to dressing modestly after puberty.
Discussing puberty
As children approach puberty, parents begin to inform them about the signs that a person has reached puberty and explain the accompanying responsibilities in terms of syara’ (Islamic law).
In this case, the mother can tell the daughter about menstruation, while the father can explain to their son about ejaculation that occurs after a wet dream. Parents must also explain that once the child reaches puberty, they are now regarded as accountable, and God will reward and punish every good or bad deed.
The Messenger of Allah (pbuh). said: “The Pen has been lifted from three: from the one who is sleeping until he wakes up, from the child until he reaches the age of puberty, and from one who is insane until he comes to his senses.” [8]
They must also teach their children what should and should not be done following menstruation and ejaculation – the need to take a mandatory shower, how to do it and so on. Parents must also provide information about the difference between haid and istihadhah, mani and mazi regarding fiqh and its provision.
In addition, parents must also explain the impact of puberty on their children’s bodies and what to expect, such as growing breasts, body hair and others. They may also want to discuss proper dressing in line with the sudden development of physical changes.
Managing boy-girl relationship issues
In managing boy-girl relationships with their children, parents should delegate tasks. It is not necessary that a mother talks to their daughter or a father to their son and vice versa. It will depend on which parent they are closer to and more comfortable with. A good relationship will make it easier for them to approach one of their parents or be more open to sharing when asked.
It is crucial for parents to remain calm when addressing the issue as it may prevent the child from sharing again in the future if parents respond adversely. Parents can take the opportunity to share their concerns and provide necessary advice to their children in a relaxed and measured manner. They may want to convey that liking someone is a natural feeling for everyone. On the other hand, if their children are still teenagers, they must be reminded to focus on studying, keep the relationship without any commitment, and treat everyone as equal friends. For young adults who are presently in a relationship, parents can advise them to have boundaries and not go out together on their own. Instead, parents could ensure that every interaction between them is done in a group.
Mitigating online safety risks
Online activities, including by children, cannot be avoided today. Children need to be exposed to certain ethics in online activities, whether in the form of online gaming, social media activities or browsing websites.
Subsequently, children must be reminded to be careful when interacting with someone they do not know online. This includes not sharing personal information even with other child users due to the presence of online paedophiles who impersonate young users to communicate with minors through chatting or direct messaging.
Parents must also monitor their children’s online history and social media algorithms to identify what type of information they are exposed to. They also need to make sure that their children follow the available social media guidelines. YouTube, for example, has specific guidelines on account creation. They do not allow children under 13 to create their own accounts. As for a child between the ages of 13 and 17, they will need parental permission before starting a channel.
Children might also come across explicit adult content online or through peers. In this case, parents need to advise children about the harmful effects of pornography and refer them to a counsellor if this becomes a bad habit.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, having a good relationship with them and excellent parenting skills are key to approaching our children more effectively, including in sex education. Children need a safe space, a sense of security and trust to make them comfortable sharing things and accepting our points of view. As long as parents have a close relationship with their children, communication and interaction will be more accessible, and their presence will be positively significant to their children for the rest of their lives.
1 Asad, Muhammad. The Message of the Qur’an. Kuala Lumpur, Islamic Book Trust, 2013, p. 750.
2 Al-Tirmidhī, Muḥammad ibn ʿĪsā ibn Sūrah, Jāmiʿ al-Tirmidhī, (Cairo: Dār al-Taʾṣīl, 2nd edn., 2016), vol. 5, Ḥadīth 4179:118.
3 For more information on the love languages, see Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The Five Love Languages of Your Family, (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2009). Parents may
want to take the love languages quiz to discover their children’s primary love language, what it means, and how they can better connect with their loved ones. See,
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
4 ibn ‘Isa ibn Surah al-Tirmidhi, Muhammad. Jami’ al-Tirmidhi. 2nd ed., 2 vol. 3, Cairo, Dar al-Ta’sil, 2016, Hadith 2106:236.
5 *1 The hadith above does not encourage child abuse, as it is deemed unlawful in Islam. However, when the child reaches the aforesaid age, it is permitted to reprimand them without
hitting them violently, abusively, or causing injury and marks. The action should be the last resort and never be pursued when the parent is experiencing anger or seeking retribution.
That said, educating the child without hitting them is the most encouraging in Islam, as the Prophet himself never hit a woman, a child, or an animal.
6 Abū Dawūd, Sulaymān ibn al-Ashʿāth al-Sijistānī, Sunan Abī Dāwūd, ed. Shuʿayb al-Arnaūṭ et al, (Beirut: Dār al-Risālah al-ʿAlamiyyah, 2009), vol. 1, Ḥadīth 495:367.
7 Al-Bukhārī, Muḥammad ibn Isma’īl, Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, ed. Abū Zahwah and Aḥmad ʿInāyah, (Beirut: Dār-al-Kitāb al-ʿArabī, 2016), Ḥadīth 3484:711.
Ustaz Dr Mohammad Yusri Yubhi Md Yusoff is the founder and director at Yusri Yusoff Consulting, which focuses on Islamic content and family development consultation services. His area of interest includes Islamic thought, Quranic studies and family relationship issues.
