Beyond Cinderella: Unpacking the Realities of Step-family Life
When we think of step-families, the classic tale of Cinderella often springs to mind – a young girl mistreated by her unkind stepmother, an image that lingers as one of the most iconic depictions of step-family dynamics. Yet, while such stories captivate our imaginations, they offer an overly simplistic view of step-family life, masking the nuanced, multifaceted realities experienced by step-families today.
Although there is no specific local census data on stepfamilies, in the last five years, around half the total number of divorce cases involved families with children. This, coupled with the increasing rate of remarriages, suggest that stepfamilies may be more common in our community than we realise. Of particular concern is that the statistics also reveal that remarriages tend to end in separation more often than first marriages, suggesting that step-families may face specific challenges.
Against this backdrop, understanding the lived experiences of step-family members in Singapore becomes essential. To better understand these family dynamics, Singapore Children’s Society carried out a study between December 2022 and March 2023, gathering personal stories from step-families. This included insights from 20 young adult step-children aged 18 and above, who shared their memories of growing up in a step-family unit, as well as ten stepparents and ten re-partnered biological parents. Through their stories, we get a glimpse into the ups and downs of step-family life in Singapore.
Elly’s Journey: Growing Up as a Step-child
Elly’s journey through family life has been a dynamic and evolving experience. Raised initially in a single-parent household following her parents’ divorce when she was just two years old, Elly’s early years were marked by the presence of her mother, her sister, and the support of her grandparents. Her biological father played a minimal role in her early life, a figure more absent than present.
At the age of eight, her family structure began to shift when her mother remarried a man with three children from his previous relationships. Elly recalled that the wedding seemed to unfold around her, with decisions made and events planned without her fully understanding what was happening. As a young child, she found herself as a passive participant, swept along by the excitement and changes without a clear sense of what it all meant. Elly vividly recalled the day of her mother’s wedding, a memory tinged with confusion and a sense of displacement.
“I remember their wedding. I had no idea what was going on. I think as a child I was like nine, right, you have no idea what a wedding is, what it means. Suddenly my mom had like a lot of makeup on her face. I remember being very puzzled by that . . . I just felt very off that day . . . I’m like okay, this person, like, is he here to love me? Is he here to provide? Is he just here for my mom? Like very confused as a child because you don’t really know and no one’s telling you anyway.”
While her mother and new step-father celebrated their union, Elly felt that she was left to navigate her new reality on her own. On top of that, she was expected to adjust immediately to calling her step-father by a new parental title.
“[Initially, I was taught to call my step-father ‘uncle’] . . . And then, as soon as they got married of course you have to transition to Baba (a term for Father). It felt very strange . . . I know I wasn’t the happiest child on the day of the wedding.”
Elly’s family expanded further when her mother had a baby with her step-father, adding a younger half-sister to the mix. From the outset, acceptance was a significant hurdle. Her family’s dynamics were upended in ways she could not have anticipated. Elly, who had always been close to her biological mother, struggled with the idea of sharing her mother with a new step-father. In addition, Elly found herself caught between two conflicting parenting styles that made her childhood particularly challenging and confusing. Her step-father, she described, was a man of few words and firm rules. His strict disciplinary approach, which starkly contrasted with the more lenient methods she was accustomed to, created friction and complicated her ability to bond with her step-father.
“Like my mom says, it’s okay. But then, my stepdad says no, you should be punished even worse. So, it’s very difficult to understand, and of course, because he’s not my real dad, then the resentment grows right, because, like, okay, ‘who are you? You’re not my dad, so why are you trying to discipline me?’”
Elly’s sentiments are shared by many other step-children in the study, who often struggle with adjusting to the presence of a new adult figure in their lives. The sense of intrusion is often strongest when step-parents attempt to take on responsibilities that traditionally belong to biological parents, such as discipline. Majority of the step-children often felt that discipline should remain the responsibility of their biological parents, with step-parents taking on a more supportive or friendly role.
Parent, but not Quite: A Step-parent’s Story
On the other side of the dynamic, some step-parents, like Kai, a step-father to two young children, desired a more involved role. This included assuming the disciplinarian role and making decisions for his step-children.
However, like Elly, Kai’s journey as a step-father has not been without its challenges. Initially, Kai struggled deeply with understanding and defining his role within his new family dynamic, especially with the boundaries set by his wife, who chose to handle most disciplinary matters herself. Kai’s wife preferred that he take on the more light-hearted, “fun” role. This approach stemmed from a belief that the children needed stability and continuity, which could be disrupted if Kai became too involved.
Kai, however, felt strongly about contributing more significantly to the family. He wanted to be an integral part of his step-children’s lives, not just as a passive observer but as a figure who could provide guidance and support. This desire led to frequent disagreements between him and his wife.
“[As a step-father, I would like] equal parenting decisions. If I am to drive the same car as you, I expect the same responsibilities to be given to me, and at the same time the same benefits. You tell me that it’s fifty-fifty, but all I can do is press the horn. It doesn’t make sense.”
Kai’s struggle to define his role within the family echoes a broader challenge faced by many step-parents – role ambiguity. Navigating uncertain boundaries, undefined expectations, and the struggle to establish their place within the family can create tension and frustration.
“You can try but you have to accept that, regardless, you are not their parent per se, so it’s a very big oxymoron, parent but not parent.”
Kai’s challenges also extended beyond the home, particularly with his step-children’s school. According to Kai, the school primarily communicated with the biological father, leaving Kai out of critical discussions and decisions. Despite Kai’s eagerness to be involved and his efforts to engage with the school, he found himself constantly being side-lined, which led to a sense of exclusion. This lack of inclusion was not only frustrating for Kai but also disheartening, as it undermined his role and contributions as a step-father.
“They only reach out to the biological father . . . I think a lot more inclusion would be best lah.”
This sense of exclusion in the educational landscape is not unique to step-parents like Kai. Many step-children, including Elly, have reported feeling excluded and invalidated by schools, especially when it comes to administrative matters, school activities, and class discussions.
Finding Support and Understanding
Both Elly’s and Kai’s struggles underscored the complexities of blending families, where step-family members are pushed to navigate unfamiliar territory. However, like many other step-family members in our study, both Elly and Kai were able to find ways to negotiate these challenges. In addition, most of the step-family participants reported that, over time, things tended to get better with patience and maturity. They found that as relationships develop, and individuals adapt, the challenges of blending families often became more manageable.
The turning point for Kai, for instance, came through active communication and a mutual effort to understand each other’s perspectives. Kai and his wife started to reevaluate their approach to parenting and agreed to set aside specific times to discuss their parenting strategies and roles openly.
“[Be patient] and listen. Because if you’re patient but you don’t want to listen to whatever’s going on, there’s no point. But if you can listen and try to understand, that is also a long way to make your relationship better.”
Kai began to focus on establishing trust and building rapport with his step-children rather than enforcing discipline first. This shift in strategy allowed him to connect with them on a personal level and support them in ways that felt natural and respectful of their existing family structure.
Elly’s turning point, on the other hand, came during a difficult period in her life when she struggled with depression and suicidal ideation. Her step-father’s unexpected show of vulnerability during this time helped shift her perception of him, marking the start of a new chapter in their relationship. It was during this critical moment that Elly saw a side of her step-father she had never seen before.
“My mom told me . . . that [my step-father] actually cried because he didn’t want to lose me. So, I feel like that was the pivotal moment. For me, I was just like, ‘okay, you know what, he actually cares. He just shows it in a different way.”
It was a painful journey, but through this ordeal, Elly came to understand that her step-father’s care and concern had always been there, albeit expressed in a way that she had not recognised before.
“I just wish that they had more conversations when we were younger. You know, like if he had shown his love in this way a lot earlier, then we wouldn’t have hated him so much.”
Elly’s story also highlighted the importance of a strong support system outside the immediate family. Her grandparents, with their unwavering love and support, provided a safe haven and balanced out some of the complexities at home. They were a constant reminder that love and stability existed beyond the immediate turmoil. Many other step-children echoed this sentiment, highlighting the significant role of grandparents and extended family members in step-children’s lives. For many of them, these adults often served as crucial sources of emotional support and stability, helping to navigate the challenges of blended family dynamics.
Elly also highlighted the importance of schools recognising and addressing the unique challenges that step-children might face. She thought that her school could have played a more active role in providing tailored support to children from diverse family backgrounds, such as offering counselling or creating peer support groups.
“[The] primary environment [for a child] is the school, so I think having school counsellors would help . . . [Providing] proper training for these counsellors, to use the correct language, [for example,] don’t use [terms] like broken family, not assuming that [step-children] are going to be struggling in school. I mean, they might be struggling, but I feel like it shouldn’t be the first thing they assume.”
These stereotypes and stigmas, as shared by Elly, was also a recurring theme raised by other step-family members.
Kai, on the other hand, recognised and understood possible constraints faced by the school, including overwhelmed staff members having limited capacity to handle extensive administrative tasks. He realised that expecting the school to change its practices entirely might be unrealistic. Hence, he decided to take a proactive approach by introducing himself personally to the teachers to help bridge this communication gap.
“I don’t think it is [the school’s] fault. It is just a system, I recognise. That’s why I introduced myself [to the school].”
Reflections on the Journey
Elly’s and Kai’s journeys are just two of many that reflect the intricate realities of step-family life in Singapore. Both Elly and Kai’s story served as reminders that step-families, though faced with unique challenges, have the potential to create deeply rewarding family experiences. Ultimately, the journey of blending a family is one of patience, understanding, and incremental steps. By recognising the emotional landscape on both sides – what hurts and what helps – families can work towards building connections that, while different from traditional roles, are no less meaningful.
For Elly, navigating life in a step-family was a journey of adjustment and discovery. Despite the initial challenges, Elly found that her step-family also offered several advantages that enriched her life in unexpected ways. She reflected on how her step-family brought unique and memorable experiences into her life.
“I guess, if my mom didn’t marry him, we wouldn’t have had all of these weird memories of us, eating durian by the roadside . . . [My step-father] would make sure that every single school holiday, we would go for a trip to Malaysia, but it’s still a trip . . . All of us would wear like, the same colour T-shirt, same pants, same sandals . . . So [my mother and step-father] will go shopping for us and they would buy us like the same pants, same sandals and like same T-shirt, maybe different colour but same design . . . To make us feel like we are one big family.”
Another notable advantage Elly highlighted was the positive impact on her mother’s well-being. For Elly, having her step-father around brought emotional relief and stability for her mother and the family.
“My mom has someone that loves her. So, I feel like that’s the plus side . . . Because she told me she was really lonely . . . And I’m pretty sure having like a dual income household does help… Yeah, she’s not as stressed about money.”
Kai viewed step-family life as a unique opportunity for personal growth and development, even though it is not something one typically aspires to. In Kai’s words,
“Nobody wakes up saying I want to be in a step-family, right? But the good thing is that you’d be a better person.”
For Kai, these experiences helped him grow into a more resilient, empathetic, and adaptable person, making step-family life a powerful catalyst for becoming the best version of oneself.
“You learn how to handle different situations. You know how to be accommodating. You know how to compromise. You know how to be more forgiving.”
As a society, we have a crucial role to play in supporting and enhancing the experiences of step-families. We can foster a more inclusive environment by promoting understanding and acceptance of diverse family structures. Providing accessible resources and support systems tailored to the unique needs of step-families can make a significant difference. Community programmes, educational workshops, and counselling services that address the complexities of step-family life can offer valuable assistance.
Moreover, encouraging open dialogues and sharing stories of step-family successes and challenges can help normalise these experiences and reduce stigma. By creating a culture of empathy and support, we contribute to making step-family life more enriching and less isolating for those who are navigating it.
Ultimately, the journey of blending families is one of continuous growth and mutual understanding. For Elly and Kai, and many other step-families in Singapore, the path forward may still have its ups and downs, but through small acts of understanding and consistent efforts, they are crafting a family narrative that is uniquely their own.
While this research study has delved into the experiences of step-children, step-parents, and re-partnered parents, the perspective of the re-partnered parents has not been shared in this article. However, the writer would like to acknowledge their experiences as equally vital, and their contributions have been invaluable to the overall understanding of step-family life. Pseudonyms are used throughout the article to ensure the privacy of our interviewees.
Nabilah Mohammad is a Research Officer at the Singapore Children’s Society. She holds a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and a Specialist Diploma in Statistics and Data Mining. Her research interest includes understanding the lived experiences, challenges and needs of the vulnerable and marginalised groups.
